As a child I didn’t like showers, they felt too vulnerable. It felt like at any moment someone could walk past the bathroom and see me naked in the shower. I preferred baths, they were solid, could not be seen through and the sides came up around me as though protecting me. I especially liked bubble baths, it gave an extra layer of protection from being seen.
I’m much older now and I’ve discovered all my joy from having baths is gone. Fill the tub, get in and – ah, that’s it? Just wash my body and get out? What happened to the 3+ hours I’d spend in the bath reading, sipping my drink and topping up with hot water as needed? Of course, I didn’t know then I took so long because I really didn’t like having to switch my brain to ‘getting out’ mode.
I had a gorgeous kitten who taught himself to jump up on the edge of the bath. He’d join me at bath time, walk along the edge, hop onto my shoulder then sprawl out and go to sleep from shoulder to shoulder under my chin while I read my book and relaxed. This was in my twenties. He eventually stopped then one day came to try again and would not be told he was too big now. He tried, but was most upset about either his whiskers or tail hitting the water, so gave up on that idea.
It was much later I discovered I preferred showers after all. This was when I realised running a bath was far too much effort for the all up, 10 minutes I would be in there. Showers are functional, economical on time and water – turn it on, get in, turn it off, get out. Best of all I could stay there as long as I liked, 10 minutes to wash and out or 10 minutes to wash then 15 to just stand under the hot, running water.
When I was 15 I stopped bathing for 3 weeks. Didn’t wash my hair or pretty much do anything. No one said anything to me so I didn’t think it was an issue. One day I decided to get in the bath, I stood in the rapidly fillig warm water and my wrist felt itchy. I scratched it absentmindedly but it wouldn’t stop so I looked at it. The steam had made my skin itchy and the scratching had made a finger-wide line of ghostly white skin as it was scratching away the layer of dirt I had not been aware of until that time. I was fascinated and horrified. After that, I bathed almost every day. If I missed a day here or there it didn’t really bother me as long as I was under water again by day 3. It was an experience that kept me bathing for decades.
That all changed one day when I took a shower one day and didn’t take another one for 4 months. Didn’t wash my hair either. Eventually I went away for a weekend to give myself the push to have a shower in a neutral-to-me bathroom, which I did end up doing. That experience reminded me I do enjoy being in the shower and I do enjoy being clean. Unlike many other autists with similar problems, I don’t mind getting undressed to get in the shower or having to dry off when I get out. For me it seems to be my mind just doesn’t like hitting ‘go’ on a project that needs doing.
I don’t want to be in that situation again yet I don’t really have anything to compel showering either. I decided if it gets bad enough I will have a wash at the bathroom sink and I bought a hose extension for the tap so I can lean over and wash my hair without having to get naked in the shower. I understand most people would be horrified by this idea but I’m not most people. I don’t fully understand it but I don’t fight it either. I’m not going to berate myself because of a mental block in doing something others seem to have no problem with. I just look on the bright side – if that big SHTF doomsday that preppers have been going on about finally arrives, I’ll be miles ahead of everyone in knowing how to live with the experience of not being able to take a shower. There’s always an upside if you look.