Most of my life I have had a brain that never turned off. It was constantly seeking new engagement, new information. I had to know everything that was going on. Soaking up every particle of every moment. It was exhausting but I couldn’t stop. The only time my brain slowed down was when I was deeply focused on some activity, putting all that energy into doing this one thing.
I also felt a drive to be the person who had all the answers. I enjoyed talking with people who were experts in a topic, who had years of knowledge tucked away, I could talk with them for hours. That was fine but if someone asked a group I was part of a question, I felt the need to be the one who knew the answers. I didn’t like how it felt when someone else knew and answer I didn’t and I would make researching that topic my next special interest.
No, I couldn’t know everything and I don’t. Never have. Interestingly, as I got older I did not like being the only one in the room with all the answers, it felt like I was showing off what a know-it-all I was. People would ask me how I knew so much about so many different topics, simple, while they went out and hung out with friends, I’d be at home reading. I read the dictionary for fun! I didn’t tell anyone it was a side effect of a brain that would not let me rest from learning.
Social media was probably the worst time for this. Suddenly, I was introduced to people living lives, experiencing things I’d never heard of and I had to know. I also had to be up-to-the-moment with all current events in the world. I had to have a finger on every pulse, an eye on every story happening anywhere and everywhere in the world. The best thing I ever did was quit social media altogether. Well, I was sort of helped along with a lifetime ban from facebook and instagram. Not for anything devious or horrid, all I did was speak very openly and frankly about my hatred of trump and call out Zuckerberg on his hypocrisy – like the time he wore an almost $1M watch in a photo, attempting to look like the average dude. Really? Who has almost ONE MILLION DOLLARS to waste on a watch? Yeah nah, he didn’t like me very much.
I voluntarily left all other social media at the same time, twitter, blue sky, reddit. All I do now is watch youtube and that’s OK. There are times when that gets boring, to be honest. I have a few channels I watch loyally and then it’s whatever takes my fancy. I’ve noticed recently, if someone has a title like “You missed this” or “You’d never guess” I tell youtube I’m not interested and move on. I know what they’re doing, they are trying to create subtle range engagement by challenging my knowledge, skills, whatever. I don’t buy into it anymore, it doesn’t offer the genuine connection I want. If I made videos, I’m the sort to give the ending away in the title because for me, getting to the point is the point. You want to tell me something? Cool, tell me what in the title, then when I watch explain the how or why of how you got there. I’m just as interested in the journey as the destination, but I like to know where we’re going first. Knowing your video will be about your decision to quit your job, divorce your partner, move countries or whatever, allows me to get into the head space I need for that topic. Trust me, you want a very different me showing up to engage on a topic of loss than you do a topic of the super embarrassing but totally human and funny accident last week.
When I retreated from social media, I discovered my anxiety went way down. When someone says to me ‘hey, did you hear about…’ I can honestly say ‘no’ and then fully engage in hearing about it for the first time. I don’t have to go through 20 minutes of twaddle in order to get the 3 minutes of relevant information. It means all my energy required for attention can go on exactly that topic and I am ‘on’ for much less time, reserving more energy. When I first told people I stopped watching the news decades ago, people would look at me horrified and as ‘but how will you know what’s going on in the world?’ I replied that there is always someone willing to talk about ‘what just happened’. I have never been out of the loop for more than a couple of days and I figure if it’s super important – like an asteroid about to crash land in my house – someone will tell me imminently.
As I get older, I have less and less energy available for what truly doesn’t matter. What energy I do have, I keep for engaging with people in real life and doing housework. Standing back from all of this, I’ve noticed the more centre-stage social media takes in our lives, the more shitting material items become. Consumerism has become a never ending loop of trending ever crappier stuff that everyone is drowning in. Isn’t it ironic that the further away from the climate tipping point we get (because we crossed it a while ago and are still pushing on), the more insane it all gets? Reminds me of a drowning person – never jump in to help because they’ll grab on to you and push you under. Yeah nah, I’m good.
I don’t want to know we’re at war with Eurasia, we’ve always been at war with Eurasia, I don’t want to know how decrepit the painting in the attic has become, I don’t want to know firemen are sliding up poles now. I just want to quietly be in the world.
(Did you get the book references? Let me know in the comments)