I’ve had a history of wanting to make a change in a specific area, thinking about what the end of the process would be like then acquiring what I need to make it happen, before I’ve taken the first steps of sitting down and thinking about it. My ADHD self is incredibly impulsive about everything. I thought this time would be different.
I often picture in my mind how I want something to look when set up, but the reality never matches before my mind makes everything seem bigger than it actually is. I did this again with my pantry. I had envisioned having baskets on each shelf and putting food items in like category in each basket. The lower shelves would be my storage containers with dry ingredients I’d use for making things from scratch. I enjoy making things and am going to start making my own crackers, pasta, bread, etc. It should only take one day to take things out of pantry, sort them, then put back in new categories, right?
I’ve been working on it for two days and realised my vision was unrealistic. I thought I had done all the right things, I took note of measurements to make sure it would work this time. So why, do I come to find the two cereal containers don’t fit properly in the basket? Well, I based it on container measurements when I should have gone with lid measurements, because the lid has clasps that stick out a bit wider and this causes the containers to take up more room when sitting side by side. *Sigh*
So, no pretty pantry looking super sexy. Back to the drawing board, meanwhile, I have a kitchen that looks like a supermarket exploded in it which is not helped by the impractically small size of the kitchen in a house with four bedrooms.
Now, I could take away from this experience that yep, I am a failure at organising a house. Or, I could acknowledge I am now aware of a habit I have developed because of limitations caused by autism and adhd. I’m never going to be able to organise my home the way I want to – the way I see everyone else do it. When it comes to the kitchen, there’s a couple of reasons for this. I don’t have the physical space to store things and my brain doesn’t connect the physical space available with what I want to purchase. I think ‘ooh, I want an airfryer’ and purchase one. Meanwhile, I actually have nowhere to store it. The minimalism and frugal rules I’m trying to live by would say, if you don’t have the room, get rid of something to make room, if you can’t do that then don’t get the item. But why do I always remember this after I’ve bought the item I have no room for?
The other reason it’s so hard to organise is because there are two people living in this house who have a habit of buying food items without considering limited space – and one of them who likes to buy things to try, puts them in the pantry then forgets about them. Then goes and buys more things to try. I came across quite a few items that had expired a couple of years ago.
Not only am I back to having to work out how to plan my pantry (when I’m fantastically bad at planning), I’m also having to give up the image I had of how I wanted it to look and operate, because that image wasn’t based on reality and isn’t going to work. One thing extremely hard for me to do is give up on a plan when I’ve attached so many emotions to it. You see, my pantry plan isn’t just about how to set the pantry out so it’s optimal, it’s also about the desire I’ve had my whole life of fitting in, finally doing something that will make me one of the cool, NT kids. This is never, EVER going to happen. My brain simply does not work the way theirs do. It’s not a case of I can train my brain to eventually get there, I could, but it would take huge amounts of energy I just don’t have available anymore. But why should I? I’ve tried that my whole life and it got me into a 16 year long burn out and I’m still recovering from. The hardest part of all this, is working out what will actually work for us.
Recently, I gave up on he altruistic ideal of only having sustainable containers in my house, all glass or tin. That’s all wonderful and everything, but we are two people with co-ordination issues and getting older. Add to that I have arthritis and have lost some of the strength I had and some of the dexterity in my fingers. Glass containers can be wonderful, but not so great when you have a tendency to drop and smash things. I have made peace with the fact plastic containers are simply the best option in my home and are in fact the sustainable option, if taken care of and last for years. The ones I have bought are very well made and will last for decades I imagine (which is all I really need as I approach 60).
For me, this is proof I can let go of things I very much want but won’t work for me in reality. I can let go of the idea I had of how I want the pantry to look and ‘feel’ and embrace what will actually work for us instead. Essentially, simple layout of clearly defined areas. I tell you, it’s fucking hard working out who life works for you when you’ve literally lived your whole life up to this point of faking it in order to appear ‘normal’. Still, it’s doable with small steps.