Content Warning: talk of death
Life has seasons. Human lives also have seasons, not that any repeat more a merging from one to another.
Infant to toddler to child to teen to adult to middle-aged to senior to damn old to death.
Sometimes the liminal space between these seasons has its own rituals that show up at different times, the letting go of childhood toys can mimic the letting go of children as they’ve grown and gone off to start their own adult lives. Not the same exact experience, but similar feelings of loss, longing, sadness or limbo can be felt and these can make out their own path throughout our life that can only be seen when we look back.
For me, the second last ‘letting go’ phase has begun, the last being when we are physically dying and let go of life. 60 is only 7 months away and I’ve noticed my thoughts have been turning more and more to tidying up the loose ends of my life, finalising some things, squaring up with others and preparing my home for my twilight years. My thoughts are turning to endings and how to practically arrange them. This means I have also thought about my own death. The ever practical part of me has been looking into options and what would be the most economical choice for the final hoorah.
Did you know you can be buried in a shroud instead of a coffin? Did you know you can be cremated in a shroud? I thought how cool would it be to leave the physical plane knowing you have used up as little resources as possible. A shroud is only about 1/4 of the cost of a coffin and you can rent or borrow a coffin to get to the service as it were.
I’ve known for a very long time I want to be cremated, I made this decision as a child. I have found out a water cremation uses much less energy than a fire cremation, is more gentle on the body, produced no toxic smoke and uses little water, which is treated appropriately. All up a much kinder experience for the body, environment and wallet. The ashes are then given to the family. This is another option where a coffin isn’t required.
Why am I considering this at 59? It’s true the women in my family live to 90 so i’m looking at another 30 years yet, but I have no control over what my brain wants to obsess over and if I tried, I’d only be focused on it for a whole lot longer. Better to let my brain go where it wants/needs to go. My brain is ‘going there’ because death is the great unknown and nothing terrifies my brain more than not knowing what’s ahead. I take measures to plan out and control as much as I can because that’s what alleviates my anxiety. I’ve noticed diminishing sight and hearing and a slight loss in fine motor skills. I’m also aware of how much I’ve pulled back from society and getting involved in caring about the future of the planet. I don’t want anything to happen and realising the planet will go on after humans have wiped ourselves out does give me some comfort. Just a terrible shame the number of species that will be wiped out because of our arrogance and stupidity. I used to be idealistic, I used to want to fight for causes that would impact change in society for the better. I don’t have children so it was never about wanting to leave a better world for them, it was about wanting to leave a better world for all children. I have always been keenly aware of how crucial social connection is for humans. We evolved from a social community species and that has never changed, we still need others in order to be psychologically and emotionally well. Some people like myself prefer not to have close interactions with many, not because I don’t want them but because they have only ever ended up causing trauma and pain. I prefer not to put myself through that.
It’s not that I don’t think those causes are important anymore, it’s that I feel a veil has been lifted and I finally understand we’re never going to have that. Humans will never have the star trek future or the Jetson’s future we were promised. We are never going to live in harmony and peace, supporting and encouraging each other, a glorious golden future of Eden 2.0. It won’t happen because humans need to strive for something. If we are given too much free time we inevitably get into trouble because we seek entertainment and amusement. We abhor extended periods of boredom. I think that’s one reason why my brain has settled on my death to obsess about for a while.