Title is a line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, a movie about religion. Well, sort of.
The only thing I knew about religion growing up was a few prayers I was taught when going to sleep.
Four angels at my head, four corners has my bed
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, bless this bed that I lay on.
The other was the Lord’s prayer, in King James English. I never heard religion talked about, only went to church for a wedding or baptism and didn’t know anyone who went to church either – at least, not that I knew of. I would say I believed in god and I wouldn’t say I didn’t believe in god. When I would repeat the Lord’s prayer after my grandmother, I would envision a super HUGE mansion in the sky that was god’s house and I’d usually be scrubbing the floor or something, so I just accepted (assumed?) there was this super important being whose name was Lord.
When I got into my late teens my journey through religion started. At 17 I became a born again, fundamentalist, creationsist christian – because, of course I did. If you’re going to do something right, you might as well go all the way, right? That lasted 6 years. (It took me a hell of a lot longer to lose the fear of damnation).
Next came exploration into ‘kind of’ Hinduism through the Hare Krishna sect. I never went to one of their meetings or temple or anything, but I would take myself once a week to the Hare Krishna restaurant in the city and I bought the Bhagavad Gita to read. I bought mala beads and started practicing the Hare Krishna prayer.
I dabbled a bit in family history and decided to explore Judaism as I had Jewish ancestors, I attended shule in the city, would travel across the city every Friday morning to buy challah (Jewish bread), gave up pork products (I didn’t really like the taste anyway) and dressed modestly. Again, I bought the Tanach and read diligently.
A while later saw me step into Buddhism through introductory medication classes and reading whatever texts about the Buddha I could find. Then there was a several year break with a dip into New Age practices, exploring wicca (didn’t really connect with it) and more generalist spiritual practices like tarot reading, chakras, reading up on Zen, etc.
While in Alice Springs I was introduced to the Bahai Faith and became a member of that religion. I continued for a while when I returned to Melbourne even attending a couple of services in my area. I could just never grasp the cycle of meetings (every 19 days).
I drifted back into New Age and spiritualism in general and it would be quite a long time before I began my next religious adventure, Islam. As with every other endeavour, I did this ernestly. I bought hijabs, dressed fully covered (in the middle of Queensland summer with polyester clothing), didn’t really have to give up pork because I never really took it up again after exploring Judaism, got a Qaran, prayer mat and proceeded to pray 5 times a day. I could not memorise the prayer steps, the Arabic pronunciations and it felt like all I was doing was praying all day. I would return to exploring Islam gain about 12 years later, but give up just as quickly for the same reason I could not stay committed to any other religion –
I didn’t believe in a god. I tried so hard to convince myself that I did but I just didn’t. The bit inside most people’s brains that does believe in a god or ‘something’ or conscious universe, just isn’t in my brain. I don’t even have a space when that whatever-it-is could go. In order to be an adult convert to a religion and stick with it, you must believe in the deity of that religion otherwise, there’s just no reason to stay in it. What I came to understand about myself is because I didn’t have the belief or faith usually required, I’d need actions so I could ‘perform’ the religion to prove I really was part of it. I wasn’t trying to trick anyone or manipulate, I was seeking confirmation I really was in this religion because I didn’t feel it inside.
Why did I explore so many religions? Because I didn’t know who I was and I was seeking answers. I had no intrinsic identity because every time I tried to express something authentic about myself it was laughed at, ridiculed, questions or ignored. What every child wants more than anything (besides love) is acceptance. To be found OK, to be accepted into the herd. When you don’t get that from expressing who you are in your being, you turn to outside validation in the hopes that will be acceptable. It often is because most people want to see what they approve of mirrored around them and when you start to perform ‘socially acceptable behaviours’ they approve.
Once I accepted I’m an atheist and that’s simply how it was, I got stuck in my own head for a while and felt I was a little bit superior to believers because I ‘knew’ better. Don’t worry, I got over myself. It opened up other questions about what happens when we die, do souls exist and what’s the meaning of it all anyway? (That’ll be another post). I’ve come to a place in my life where I finally feel at peace about all these topics. I understand my exploration of religions was part, me trying to find an identity and part, me seeking rituals, rules and restrictions to make life more predictable – that’s the autism talking. I’ve started asking myself who am I and what do I like, instead of what’s socially acceptable and trendy. It has taken a long bloody time to get to this point, but I’m so thankful I actually did get to this point and at a stage in my life where I’m still able to act on it. So many never got that chance and died with the same low level confusion and doubts they’d had their whole lives.
The complete quote from Monty Python and the Holy grail:
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch ritual from the fictional Book of Armaments.
“Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.”